The Truth

Hey Guys,

WARNING: Some of you may find this hard to read.

So for a long time now I've not been happy, this isn't anything to do with anyone or anywhere, it is just about how I feel about myself.

Since I was young I have never really been confident at anytime of my life. Looking back I wish I had been as it would have made my life a little different. This may sound a little unbelievable but I am social awkward. I never know what to say and if I do then I always regret saying it.

For a good few years I have tried to put it on other thing like friends, family, food and appearance. In the rest of this blog I want to look at each of these categories.

Lets start with friends. So throughout life I have always tried and surrounded myself with people, some I thought were really close and other who needed me. I used to never be able to count my friends on one hand and now I can.  This may seem like a contradiction, my friends at the moment don't know much about me when they really should be here for me.

When me and my friends get together, no matter who with and in what situation, I feel a little left out and always want to speak out but I don't think anyone will listen. This may come from  growing up.

My family are great, there are a few that do annoy me a little, same with friends, I always feel like I need to make the effort either that be a phone call or even a facebook message, I feel like I am the only one putting in the effort.

So going back to when I said I don't feel like I am listened to. I think it may have came from when I was growing up, I have two siblings and when I lived at home they fought for my parents attention, I feel that I took a step back and let them do their thing, while I was in the background. So when I am with friends i feel that when they are talking and I want to say something, I don't feel I can as that would be me seeking attention. Also being rejected is something I fear.

Going back to friends for a moment, I started a new job a month ago and in the first week I met an old friend, I am not sure if he noticed or not but, I was a nervous wreck around him I was rubbing my hands together and was look elsewhere. Even though I knew this person and we had been friends I didn't know what to do.

Lets go completely away from friends and family and talk about my appearance. I know I am not good looking, if I was to rate myself I would rate myself a 4 out of 10. There are a number of things that I physically hate about my appearance. My most hated feature of mine is my teeth, I know I should have taken more care of them, I am trying to correct them now but the damage is done and I think I may have to live with them for the rest of my life, this upsets me as I cannot smile and look happy when I am. other things I hate are my nose and hair. My nose is squint I don't know if this is the way it grew or from being punched in the face during my school years (that little bit of information may shock people). My hair is too thick and I wish I could change it.

So now I come to my weight. No one in the world should know about this next bit apart from my mum. I have a really strong love/hate relationship with food. In recent years I know that my body needs food, so I eat. If i could choose not to eat I would. So when people ask me if I want something to eat or force food upon me, I am really okay. Food is my enemy, I know someday soon I will stop eating again and it scares me like it did when I told my mum that i hadn't eaten in week, years ago.

If you have made it this far down,Thank You. This little piece was really hard to write. I want you all to think about who you are around and ask yourself, " are they really happy?" chances are, they are not! If you know me and after reading this makes you want to do something for me. If you ever see me when we are hanging out and you feel like I am being ignorant or just quiet, just bring me into the conversation.

Bye Guys

Thanks for reading

James xoxo